My name is April. I was saved when I was 10 years old. There have been times in my life when I was walking closer to Jesus and times when I have drifted from Him.
I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m ashamed of and I have a lot of regrets. I’ve felt that God has punished me for my sins, especially on the night of September 24, 2021.
My oldest son Cole was killed by a drunk driver. Nothing “bad” ever happened to my family and this was totally unexpected. My husband and I were doing everything “right”, raising our kids in church and feeling like we were leading them in the way they should go.
When Cole was killed, it was and is still the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I felt it was my fault. I felt God was punishing me for all the shameful things I’ve done. I still struggle with this.
I know Cole is with Jesus because God shows me and tells me all the time that Cole is with Him. He does this in many different ways. I’ve learned to be looking for Him and listening to His voice, because if I don’t I start to believe the lies of the enemy.
I know that what happened to Cole isn’t my fault because Jesus took my punishment for me when He died on the cross. I’ve asked God so many times “why did you let this happen? “Why did it have to be my Cole?” “Why not me?” Well, the answer is that as Christians, we’re not called to understand why. We’re called to trust. I choose this every day.
My faith has grown stronger since Cole went to Heaven. I have more joy in my heart than I had before. I know that sounds weird and I do wish that my Cole was still here with me, but I know that given the choice to come back here, Cole would say “no.” It gives me joy knowing that Cole is with Jesus and that one day I will be there too.
I am working on forgiveness, forgiveness for the man who killed Cole. I don’t want to live in a cage of anger, so I have to choose forgiveness. It hasn’t been asked of me by this man, but it has been required of me by God. “Father forgives them, for they know not what they do.” Please pray for me to forgive as my Father forgives me.
Many times, when I’m driving down the road I will be crying and feeling sorry for myself and then “Don’t Stop Praying “will come on the radio. This is not a coincidence; it’s God telling me to keep trusting in Him and to continue to bring everything to Him and lay it at His feet. He goes before me. If He is for me, who can be against me?
Thank you, Matthew, for being obedient to what the Lord calls you to do. Your songs are reaching many people for Jesus and giving Him all the glory.
