My name is Becky, and I want those struggling to know there is hope where there is faith, even if it’s a small flicker of faith. I always believed in God but didn’t go to church. When my son was in his teens he was in an accident and injured his back. Fast forward to his late 20’s he was given pain medication and eventually progressed to stronger pain medications leading him to addiction. His addiction became my addiction in the fact that I kept trying to help but was only enabling him. He went through several treatment programs only to relapse but I was always there for him good or bad and there was a lot of bad. He was my son and I loved him unconditionally, just as God loves us unconditionally.
I remember picking him up one time, and was afraid to be in the car with him so when we stopped for gas and he was done pumping, I drove off and left him there. I will never forget the look on his face when I looked in the rearview mirror and drove away. What kind of mother does this? I drove straight to the church by our house and just went to sit inside and talk with God. A pastor came up to me and I broke down. He sat with me and prayed. I was a complete wreck. On the way home I heard Matthew West’s “Truth Be Told” and I couldn’t stop crying. This was me, saying I was fine and I wasn’t. Things were definitely out of control. I believe God spoke to me through this song. I played the song for my husband, then I spilled my faults and all the things I had done to try to get our son sober to my husband. Later, even though God heard me with my husband, I confessed the same to God privately and then some.
I was broken and ashamed. I read scriptures, started going to church and created a Christian playlist. My son got to a point where he did get sober, went to church and Bible study with his daughter. He was baptized as a baby, but chose to be baptized as an adult making a conscious effort to follow God’s plan in April 2021. On June 7, 2021, I left for work, hugged him, told him I loved him and was glad he was my son, not realizing this would be the last time. He relapsed that day with an accidental overdose that turned out to be 100% fentanyl. We had to make the decision to remove him from life support on June 12, 2021. In the beginning I questioned why God would allow this, but I know in my heart God knew had my son survived he would have been back suffering again and that was not His plan. My son always said if anything ever happened not to blame myself, that everything I had done both good and bad had kept him alive longer than he had anticipated. I was planning his 40th birthday, but he never made it. I gain some comfort that he was able to donate his kidneys- one to a 70 year old grandmother and one to an 18 year old named Luke who wrote the most beautiful letter explaining his gratitude and sympathy for our loss. My depression spiraled the remainder of 2021 and the only thing that kept me going was the songs from Matthew West and my fumbled prayers with God. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I fall down but I get back up. I tell God I am not perfect, I neglect to pray some days, but I try to be sincere and get back on track. I recognize when God puts people in my life to share my story and experience. To this day, the words of “Truth Be Told” remind me of where I started and how far I have come on my journey. I am forever grateful.
