Emily: Several years ago, a loved one began their journey with cancer that ultimately led to their death. At the beginning of their illness, they had a brutal close call that left me with PTSD symptoms, which just got worse with every bit of decreased physical ability, diminished cognition, and scream of pain.
The searing loss of seeing your loved one die is something I can’t even begin to describe, and it’s unbearable to think of there being literally nothing left of them on this earth besides ashes buried in the ground. The pain from their death feels like fire in my bones and blood, as if I could combust at any moment. It’s a pain I still can’t fully face, even over a year later.
This pain has led to a consuming anger at myself, others, and God. How can He possibly be good when someone dies far too young and misses milestones, they waited their whole life for? They won’t be here for my wedding, the birth of my children, or any other significant experience in my life.
Yet this was only the tip of the iceberg. In the face of a death that is personal, it made me re-evaluate my entire life and realize just how dysfunctional or traumatic other things have been, as well. It’s been one thing after another, unrelenting, making it so hard to grow in my faith every time I feel like I’ve turned a corner.
I’ve been weakened to the point that I feel like I don’t even know what to believe beyond the basics of the gospel. Questions like under what circumstances does God heal, why does He seem to sometimes and not others, and more are things I can’t claim to have any idea of. This confusion and hurt have led me to dark places I never thought I’d find myself.
Through all of it, God has remained consistent. He has met me over and over where I’m at, no matter how many times I fall back to that point. I may not have worked through all my questions theologically, but I can say out of experience He is good. He is patient. He is merciful. I can say confidently He is not going anywhere, and neither am I. It has also given me a stronger empathy for people who have gone through all kinds of traumatic experiences, and I’m now exploring how I can use my experience to reach out to others, and I’m eager to see what God had in store next.
